Welcome to the Show
by Darlin
Summary: Today our show's all about love gone wrong. Does Logan love Jean or Ororo? Will Logan get to kill Scott? Can Scott win Jean back? Who will win in a fight, Jean or Ororo? And will the girls get to have their time on the pole? Tune in tomorrow night; same Bat-time – uh, er, wrong show. Who's in charge here? Heads're gonna roll! Silliness.


**Welcome to the Show!**

 **By Darlin**

"Welcome to the show! Today our show's all about love gone wrong. Meet our first subjects – er guests – Jean says her husband Scott has lusted after teammates including her best friend Or-or . . . well, she'll be out shortly. Now Jean complains Scott's jealous for no reason of another teammate, Logan who's always kissing her but she thinks hubby shouldn't be angry. I'm not sure about the reasoning but I guess we'll find out.

"So, Jean why don't you think your husband shouldn't get upset if a co-worker of yours is kissing you?" the host of the talk show, one Gerry Dinger, said by way of introduction.

"Well, I'll tell you!" Jean said, leaning forward as she clasped the edge of her seat with both hands. Television lights nearly blinded her and she blinked her green eyes then tossed her red hair somewhat self consciously before sitting back and crossing her legs. Someone in the audience whistled.

"Go ahead, Jean do tell," Gerry encouraged her.

"It's just harmless flirting. I've never been with another man while he's been with several."

"Several men?"

"Ohhhhhh!" gasped the audience.

"No, no, no! Not men – women! My husband isn't gay!"

"He's cheated on you with women then?"

"Yes . . ."

"Boo! Boo!" harangued the audience.

" . . . and no," Jean finished but the clamor was too loud, the audience didn't hear.

"Sounds like the audience is out for blood today. Well, let's see what the husband has to say. Lady's and gents here'ssssssssss Scotty!"

Loud jeering greeted the tall, lean man who was wearing peculiar, red sunglasses. He had brown hair, and was wearing brown slacks and a brown turtleneck. He grinned a little shyly even lifting his hand a little in way of greeting.

"So you want to clear the air with your wife is that right, Scott?"

"I do." Scott sat down in one of the four empty chairs on the set beside Jean, cleared his throat and took her hands in his. "Jean, I only thought about Ororo a few times. I can't help it if your best friend ran around the mansion naked all the time . . . or in skimpy bikini's. And as for . . ."

"You're such a bastard – can I say that on television, Gerry?"

"Oh most definitely!" replied Gerry.

"I don't mean to be mean, Scott, really I don't and I forgave you for those thoughts about Ororo so why can't you forgive me?"

"Because I've never kissed Ororo and you keep letting that short, hothead kiss you and frankly I'm sick of it!"

"I don't make him kiss me he just does it on his own!" Jean shot back.

"There must be something you can do to stop him from pawing you, Jean. You'd do something if you didn't like it so much," Scott said, petulantly.

"Slut! Slut! Slut!" chanted the audience.

"Now, now," Gerry said, smiling at the crowd. "Give the lady a chance. We've all had our flirtations."

"It's more than that!" Scott said, indignantly.

"It isn't Scott! I love you! I'm in _your_ bed every night! What more do you need?"

"I need you to stop locking lips with that runt, that's what, Jean!" Scott roused.

"Well, I would if he'd leave me alone. I don't go after him any more than you go after Ororo. Ororo just doesn't mess with you like Logan does with me, that's all!"

"If Ororo was kissing me I'd discourage her."

"Oh, and just how would you discourage her, hmm?"

"I'd say, 'Don't do that again!'!"

"Just like that?"

"Yes."

"You wouldn't. You'd like it too much."

"I might like it but, frankly my dear, I wouldn't disrespect you like that!"

"You sound so self righteous! What about Emma, huh?"

"Emma and I never kissed. You and Logan do and you don't discourage him one iota, Jean! He told me you liked it!"

"Well . . . I can't help it if he's a good kisser," Jean said, bowing her head and looking guilty.

"Hmm, is there more than kissing going on behind your husband's back?" Gerry asked.

"No! And it's not as if he hasn't committed adultery in his heart! Even if I didn't read minds – remember you're married to a telepath? I've seen the way he looks at other women, especially that . . . that . . . whore with bleached blonde hair and fake boobs!"

Scott faltered, suddenly looking as guilty as Jean had.

"Well folks, Scott's competition is with us today – hereeeeeeee's Logannnnn!" Gerry said when he saw Scott had lost his fire.

"What the _**bleep!**_ is this?" Logan bellowed as he stalked onto the set looking very much the dastardly lover in a white tee shirt and jeans. He ran a hand through his jet black hair spiking it even more than it had been before. His eyes were dark and dangerous if eyes could ever truly be so. In fact, he looked so fierce that Gerry backed up a bit.

The audience roared with blood lust and Gerry suddenly grinned.

"Scott's tired of you macking on his wife, what do you have to say about it, Logan?"Gerry said.

"Macking? What the _**bleep**_ **!** is macking? And who the _**bleep**_ **!** are _you_? What kind of _**bleep**_ **!** is this?"

"I'm sick of you trying to steal my wife, Logan!" Scott said, squaring his shoulders as he stood up to face the much shorter interloper.

"What the _**bleep**_ **!**? _**Bleep!**_ you, one eye! There ain't nothin' goin' on so shut the _**bleep!**_ up an' get the _**bleep!**_ outta my face before I _**bleep!**_ you up _**bleep! bleep!**_ _-er_ ," Logan said, thrusting a finger in Scott's chest.

Most of the audience roared in laughter, while some ooohed and ahed at the shorter man's sheer nerve.

"I'm going to _**bleep!**_ _you_ up!" Scott cried, his face nearly as red as his sunglasses. He looked at the audience a little confused as they applauded his response.

"Just calm down," Jean said.

"Calm down you _**bleep!**_? What the _**bleep!**_ kind of _**bleep!**_ is this? Some kind of _**bleep!**_ -ing joke? What the _**bleep**_!? You flirted right the _**bleep!**_ back, Jeannie! We both know you expected me to _**bleep!**_ you, you _**bleep!**_ "

"I didn't, Logan and stop calling me a _**bleep!**_!"

"Stop acting like a _**bleep!**_ then! An' _y_ _ou_ , you _**bleep!**_ _**bleep!**_ -er, you want a _**bleep!**_ -ing show, well I got your _**bleep!**_ -ing show right here!" Logan popped his claws though it seemed to be with unusual effort.

"Logan don't!" Jean implored.

"Fight, fight, fight, fight!" screamed the audience.

Logan happily obliged, swiped with his claws but missed as Scott leapt back. Logan's claws slowly retracted but he stalked Scott, socked him in the head with his adamantium laced fist. Scott fell. The audience screamed louder. Jean leapt up, sobbing and ran to Logan as he struggled to force his claws out as he stood over Scott ready to finish what he'd started.

"Don't – Logan! Please don't hurt him!"

"Boo!" booed the audience as Scott sat up, moaned and held his head with both hands.

" _ **Bleep!**_ " Logan said. "You ain't nowhere close ta the woman I want Red but we both know you'll always want me," Logan said and pulled her to him.

"Let her go, Logan this isn't a joke!" Scott shouted then moaned again as he forced himself to get up.

Logan laughed. "It's a _**bleep!**_ -ing joke ta me! Yer woman _**bleep!**_ -ing came to me, not the other way around! But I turned the _**bleep!**_ down! Better open yer eyes boy cause I could still _**bleep!**_ her if I wanted ta – I don't, she ain't Ro ya little _**bleep!**_!" Logan said.

Scott's brow furrowed. He took a step forward then stopped when Logan let Jean go then turned and started to walk away but Gerry jumped in front of the accused lover before he could escape.

"Now who is Ro?" Gerry asked.

"Too _**bleep!**_ -ing good fer this _**bleep!**_ -ed up show that's who the _**bleep!**_ she is!"

"Hmm, a mystery lover! Well, we have someone who says she knows all about you and Jean, Logan! She's Jean's best friend and she's also your teammate. Come onnnn downnnn Or-or . . . Or-Oreo! Er . . . uh, come on down!" Gerry said, frowning as he looked at the odd name on the card he held, still not sure how to pronounce it.

Logan starred, mouth hanging wide, as Ororo came out. She was in a short, blue dress which beautifully set off her brown skin, blue eyes, and white hair which she wore down. She wore high heels that made her eight inches higher than him. Someone in the audience whistled.

"I feel like smacking you, Logan! You really need to stop messing with Jean and grow the hell up!" Ororo said with a look that clearly meant business.

"Well, Logan do you want to say anything to . . . um . . . ?"

" _ **Bleep!**_ I'm _**bleep!**_ -ed!" was all he could say. And he punched Scott.

"Logan!" Ororo and Jean cried.

" _ **Bleep!**_ _!"_ Logan growled. " _ **Bleep!**_ , _**bleep!**_ , _**bleep!**_ _,_ _ **bleep!**_ _!_ "

"And stop being so foul mouth, Logan it's unnecessary!"

"Now I can't even _**bleep!**_ -ing cuss! This is worse 'n when we were kids!" Logan complained.

"Logan!" Ororo growled in return.

"Alright, alright, alright! Whatever ya want, Ro. Ya know I'm gonna do it," Logan grumbled.

"Hmm, so _this_ is _Ro_! Sorry if I mangled your name, Ro. And interestingly, I see you do what Ro tells you, Logan. Hmm. Well, Ro, tell him what you've been dying to say all this time, aside from wanting to smack him upside his head," Gerry urged.

Ororo stepped past Logan and Jean, bent down to help Scott up, got him into a chair.

"You've been friends with Jean for a long time haven't you – best friends right?" Gerry inquired.

"Yes, we are."

"So what do you have to say about all this?"

"Logan, you've been unfair to Scott and Jean and to yourself."

Logan looked as if a semi truck had just run him over. "What the . . . ?" he said but might as well have really said, "Et tu, Brute?" the way he looked at Ororo.

"I'm tired of you trying to wreck their relationship, Logan."

"But I ain't! I mean, yeah it's fun messin' with Scooter an' all, but I haven't messed with Jeannie since . . ."

"A few minutes ago?" Ororo asked with a look that was almost downright evil.

"Well, aside from today I haven't messed with her fer, well for a long time, an' you know it, 'Ro!"

"And how does Ro know this?" Gerry asked.

"Oh, she knows."

"We're . . . good friends," Ororo said.

"Oh? Just how good are the two of you together?" Gerry asked coyly.

"They're secretly in love with each other and desperately want to have an affair!" Jean burst out. "See, he doesn't want me, it's my best friend he wants, Scott!"

Scott slumped in his chair and groaned.

"This is a new turn of events," Gerry said.

"We ain't havin' a _**bleep!**_ _-_ ing affair!" Logan shouted.

"I said you _want_ to," Jean clarified.

"Get outta my head Red! An' why're ya fallin' fer this, 'Ro? I was havin' some fun with it but, what? Ya ain't strong enough ta fight it?"

"I . . . I . . ." Ororo tried to find words as her hands raked at her scalp in frustration.

"Remember Horde, baby? Ya gotta fight it!" Logan said as he put his hands on her shoulders.

"Horde?" she asked, her hands covering her face now. "Horde!" She shuddered.

"I wish ya could remember, darlin'," he said and took her hands in his so he could look at her.

"But I do! He kissed me, said he might make me his queen or some such idiocy! B-but it was a dream! You saved me – us. I-I kissed you . . . as . . . as good a day as any to die," she said, remembering.

"And the best of friends to do so with," they finished together.

Logan grinned as he remembered their _annual_ kiss, so to speak.

"Sounds like the lady really likes you, Logan," Gerry said.

"Ooooooooooo," cooed the audience.

"Well, Ororo's been in love with Logan forever," Jean said.

"I haven't! Jean, how could you say that?" Ororo cried.

"Oooo oooo oooo!" crooned the audience.

"You both want each other! Scott, it's not me Logan wants, he wants Ororo but he's – he's stupid, he won't even ask her out!"

"Don't call me stupid, b . . . broad!"

"Are you okay, Ororo?" Scott asked. "You look like how I feel."

"Do you not feel it, Scott, Jean? Pushing me – us – forcing us to do and say things against our will! Logan's right – I have to fight it, we must all fight!" Ororo said but even as she strove to rise above the mysterious influence that they were all under her will faltered and she couldn't overcome the overwhelming compulsion to act.

Defeated, she gave a little scream. And then her hands fell and suddenly she looked enraged, definitely not acting like herself, and she screamed through clenched teeth, "I will kill you if you ever mess with Logan again, Jean!"

"Now you're talking!" Gerry said. "And, Jean that's your cue!"

"I . . . no, I won't say it! Ororo's right! I refuse to say it!" Jean said as her hands flew to her face as if she were trying to resist Gerry's amazing television skills of enticing women to maul each other on screen.

"You won't say what?" Ororo, Logan and Scott asked as they and the audience waited eagerly for her next words.

"I'm – I'm jealous!" Jean shouted and she lunged at Ororo.

Ororo fell to the floor, Jean on top of her. They tussled.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" roared the audience enthusiastically.

"What're you doing – get off of her!?" Scott cried as he tried to get Jean off Ororo.

"Get off me!" Ororo yelled, managing to get on top of Jean. "Don't ever do that again," she said as she pinned Jean down.

"Or what?" Jean taunted.

Ororo slapped her. Jean looked shocked.

"Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!" screeched the audience.

"Why you!" Jean cried.

The women began rolling around on the floor. The audience whistled, clapped, and laughed, loving it as the women wrestled.

"Jean, this isn't like you!" Scott said as he again tried to stop his wife.

"Uh . . . leave 'em alone, Scooter it ain't gonna get much better 'n this," Logan said with a goofy grin when Scott moved to stop them again.

Scott stopped, shocked at Logan's suggestion. He looked at Gerry helplessly. But Gerry was as transfixed as Logan, watching the women in their too short dresses go at it. Scott looked back at the women wrestling and saw what Logan meant. Slowly mesmerized, he smiled goofier than Logan.

Finally Gerry remembered where he was, who he was, and especially whom he was working for and he motioned to the bodyguards off set and they came out and pried the women apart. The women straightened their dresses, smoothed their hair, sat down, and glared daggers at each other.

"You shouldn't throw yourself at Logan, Jean," Ororo said matter-of-factly after she'd caught her breath.

"Why? Because you're in love with him?"

"How dare you!"

"You should admit how you feel! Why do you think I put up with him all this time? To make you jealous, hon! To make you act!"

"That, Jean, is the sickest thing I have ever heard. You should pay more attention to your husband," Ororo said.

"I would if he weren't drooling over you and having some damn affair with Emma!"

The audience gasped collectively.

"That's the bleached blonde," Gerry said, keeping us all up to date. "We weren't able to locate her unfortunately."

"Fortunately," Jean and Ororo muttered.

"I'm not having an affair with her, Jean," Scott said, his hands held up as if he were warding off the horde of shocked people starring at him.

"You did!"

"I didn't."

"You would've!"

"Did you or didn't you?" Gerry asked.

"No!"

"So, you didn't have an affair, Scooter, and you didn't either, is that right, Jean?" Gerry reiterated.

"Right," Scooter and Jean both said then glowered at each other.

"So what's the fuss about then?" Gerry exclaimed.

"She – Logan . . ."

"I don't want Logan, He's in love with Ororo," Jean said.

"Stop puttin' words inta my mouth Red," Logan said though he glanced at Ororo who immediately looked away.

"But you said you were jealous of Ororo, how so? Has she been eyeing Scott?" probed Gerry.

"Of course not! There aren't a lot of women who would want Scott with all his hang ups," Jean admitted. "Sorry, honey but it's true. Emma's just taking advantage of you because she wishes she was me with all I have, all _we_ have! The X-Men are family, the Professor, Warren, Bobby, Hank, Ororo, even you, Logan. She's never really had that. Her childhood was miserable and the Hellfire Club – well, don't get me started on that. I should've fried Mastermind's mind! I can't remember why I didn't, I just forgave him!"

"You're too good to do anything but forgive a cruel person like that," Scott said.

"She killed billions," Logan said. "Wasn't it billions, Ro?"

Ororo nodded. "Five billion."

"That wasn't _me_!" Jean cried.

"Come to think of it you nearly killed me a dozen times with the way you flirted with Warren!" Scott said.

"Warren Swarren! Goodness! For the umpteenth time there simply never was anything between Warren and me! He liked me, get over it!"

"He kinda liked Ro too, the ass," Logan said, still looking at Ro who looked back at him and smiled this time.

"So, no Warren here, no need to discuss him. You said you were jealous of Ro, Jean. Please elaborate," Gerry suggested.

"I'm a little jealous and who wouldn't be? Everyone loves her, everyone wants her as their best friend, Remy, Rogue, Yukio, Logan, me. She's so fair with all of us and even with people like you and she's so calm and mellow usually, and look at her – that face, that body – her boobs – nothing fake there!"

"What?" Gerry asked. "You're jealous of your best friend's boobs?"

"Ha ha hah!" laughed the audience.

"Are you hiding secret longings for your best friend, is that it?"

"I'm not a lesbian, Gerry! I love Ororo, she's my family!"

"So you love Scott and Ororo but not Logan."

"You – you don't want Logan, Jean?" Scott asked.

"No. Do you want Emma?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Me too." Husband and wife sighed with relief.

"You know what I always say, if you can't be committed to another person, at least be committed to the concept of character and don't cheat. Yes, I stole that line but, well, that's my point of view which doesn't increase ratings so on with the show!" Gerry said. "Now everything's good with husband and wife but what about you Ro? You're secretly in love with Logan who looks like he'd like to get to know you better or kill you by the way he keeps looking at you. Any chance you two can get together and everyone can go home happy today?"

Logan got out of his seat and knelt in front of Ororo.

"Well, that's some answer!" Gerry chortled.

"I won't do this," Ororo said with some effort.

"Why not darlin'?" Logan asked as he took her hands in his.

"I won't!" she insisted.

"Come on, this is kinda fun, darlin' an' whadda we got ta lose?"

Ororo shook her head firmly.

"So now yer gonna fight it?"

"And may I ask just what it is that Ro's fighting, Logan?" Gerry queried.

Logan glanced at the host then turned back to Ororo and started laughing.

"This is not funny, Logan!" Ororo said in a small, whiny voice that took him by surprise.

"No it isn't," Scott confirmed.

"Well, it kinda is," Logan said. "Real feeling's got a way of coming out when we're caught up in games like this. Maybe you don't wanna face the truth that's been starin' us in the eye for a while now, darlin', that it?"

"Hmm, what's this that she has to face?" Gerry asked though he looked around a little nervously.

"I'm just gonna say it, Ro – I ain't in love with Jeannie, I'm in love with you," Logan confessed.

"Ahhhhhh!" ahed the audience.

"Don't fall for it, Ororo," Scott advised.

"Was that so hard to say!?" exclaimed Jean who slapped her brow and leaned back in her chair looking relieved.

"Yeah, kinda," Logan admitted with a scowl.

"It is isn't it?" Ororo said.

Logan looked back at the woman he'd just professed his love to and saw she looked as if she might cry.

"Love's hard, riskin' it's harder, got everything ta lose," Logan said sagely.

Ororo nodded and a tear slipped down one cheek. Logan wiped it away and . . .

"Ahhhhhhhh!" murmured the audience.

"That's enough to touch my heart – if I had one," Gerry said with a chuckle.

"Me too," Jean said. "Now can we do the pole?"

"Jean!" Ororo cried.

"What? It's the best part!" Jean retaliated.

"Yer just a flamin' tease," Logan said.

"That's just mean, Logan," Jean said.

Logan shrugged, got up off the floor and pulled Ororo up with him.

"I'm gonna kiss you now," he said.

"No. I need to know – you're not in love with Jean, not even a little?" Ororo asked.

"Nope. Never was."

"Good," she said but she looked at him with some scrutiny.

"You gonna make me say it again, huh?"

"Well, you wanted me to play this game with you," she whispered but the microphone clipped to her dress picked her words up quite clearly.

"I love ya Ororo, that's why I wanna be with you – _only_ you."

The audience was just as touched as Ororo and they let it be known. Loudly. Much stomping and clapping ensued.

"Well, you better never kiss Jean again," Ororo said. "Ever. Not under mistletoe, on a birthday, in greeting, nothing, zilch, nil, nada!"

Logan grinned and nodded obediently. His hands cupped Ororo's face and she titled her head downward as he stretched upwards so that their lips met. They didn't hear the audience cheering. Or Scott groaning.

"Folks, looks like a happy ending for everyone. I always say how precious love is and that you fight to defend a lover, not to win one. And if you think otherwise then it isn't love," host with the most to lose said with great sincerity. "Now, while we get a preacher to marry these two I'd like to . . ."

"What!?" exclaimed Ororo and Logan.

"It'll just take a minute to get a preacher made for this auspicious occasion. But before we break for a word from our many, many sponsors – don't you go now, stay a while, take your shoes off ya hear because after the wedding we have another love gone wrong threesome. A caped crusader who lives in a cave with bats, a butler, and his little boy wonder protege! He's been pining for an amazing, amazonian, wonder woman who's in love with an illegal immigrant from another planet – dare we say alien!? Now stay tuned for the marriage of the century and not Black Panther and Storm mind you, gag, gag, but Wolverine and Storm – that's right folks, the way it was always meant to be – right after the break!"

The applause was thunderous. Scott shuddered then scooted his chair closer to Jean.

"Oh, that does sound like fun," Jean said. "Oooo, Ororo I'll be your bridesmaid!"

"Do we have to sit through all that?" Scott gasped, aghast.

"Till the show's over. I have to do the pole! Watch and see, they're going to ask me!" Jean replied eagerly.

"What pole?"

"The stripper pole."

"You're . . . you're going to strip?" Scott gasped, beyond aghast.

"Just show a little skin," she squealed and giggled.

"And I thought the girls rolling around on the floor was the best part!" Logan hooted. Ororo promptly smacked him upside his head.

"I know ya been dyin' ta hit me but, baby don't ya wanna do some pole work for daddy?" Logan teased.

"I know just where I shall put that pole, baby," Ororo replied.

"Er . . . turn Scooter inta a popsicle?" Logan said and chortled.

"You're having too much fun with this!" Jean wailed.

"I think I'm going to shoot myself," Scott said.

"He's finally talkin' sense!" Logan laughed.

"Yes. I'm going to shoot you first," Scott said.

"Stand in line," Ororo said through clenched teeth.

"Even though apparently I'm gonna marry ya after the commercial break, darlin'?" Logan asked with a smirk.

"Even so."

"This can't be real, this can't be real, this can't be real," Scott moaned.

"It's so bloody real it's scary, mate!" Elizabeth Braddock, also known as Betts, Betsy, Psylocke and once upon a time as Revanche, exclaimed from the audience.

"Ya owe me bionic eyes woman! My ratings were in the cellar after whatever ya did with them happened! What _did_ ya do with them after the Adversary in Dallas and your faked death? Curse that Claremont cretin! Curse that fool Forge! Curse all spineful chattel! Never trust 'em, stand erect, break their spines, they got no sense of the importance of ratings the arrogant twits!" the Wizard of the Wildways, Mojo screamed from his studio as he shook his fist at the purple haired woman in her purple, skintight bathing suit, slash, fighting clothes.

"Claremont – gotta love that era," Betts sighed with a wistfulness that overtook all the X-Men as the last of the spell they'd been under wore off.

"Boring, boring, boring! Ratings are sinking! These four are stinking! Don't you X-Men have more drama going on in your ridiculous lives with spines other than ratings sinking, profit losing, faithful love? Aside from lack of clothing – which is always guaranteed to increase ratings – what good are ya if y'aren't babies?"

"We could bring the X-Babies back, O Corpulence," said Major Domo who stood beside the bloated Spinless One.

"Aaarrrgggghhhhhhh! No babies! No babies!" screamed Mojo, hands to his ears so as not to hear.

"Ohmygolly omigosh! But . . . but we got no babies cause didn't they expire, get killed?" Minor Domo beside Major Domo questioned as her arms flailed the air. "Aren't – aren't they goners as in deeeeeeaaadddd . . . ? Awk!" she gasped out, hands to forehead as she spun then fell, herself dead, to the floor.

" _Really_ , Minor?" mused Major Domo as he leaned over her and hit her reset button. "How many times must I tell you no overreacting!"

"I think if you called me Weezey I'd feel better," said the fragile Minor Domo as she sat up for she had merely shorted out.

"Off with her head!" hollered Mojo and the hysterical Minor Domo went down again much to Mojo's delight. He continued ranting, "Surely someone must be screwing around on a lover or eating demons for lunch – ahhhhhh! Illyana! Get me Illyana Rasputin now! And not a baby Magik! I want the real wild and untamed demon childe!"

"Yes my illustrious bloated one," Major Domo said and stepping over Minor he started off but suddenly stopped. "Are . . . we still having the distinguished competition's threesome love gone wrong segment after this?"

"Two heroes in tights 'n capes fighting over a fierce Amazon? Of course we are Domo! Our ratings will soar, my power will know no bounds! Now hurry up and find the demon mistress of Limbo! Why didn't I think of her before? A poor, misunderstood child grows up in Limbo, becomes master of the domain and – get these rating losers outta my sight! No weddings for them, weddings bore the audience! Send 'em back from where they came from and bring me the Dark childe now – she'll out sell any X-Babies episode! Get her now do you hear me? Time wasted is lucre lost!"

"But what about the pole?" Jean cried.

"But I didn't get to say, 'Please take care of yourselves... and each other'!" Gerry cried.

"And ol' one eye didn't get ta shoot himself yet!" Logan cried.

"And we didn't get to get married!" Ororo cried.

"There's that too," Logan said. But, sadly it was too late.

"Now that was an interesting turn of events," Major Domo said. "Usually they're dying to kill us in order to escape and now we're dying to kill their show. I think I see a lawsuit in our future."

The scene grew dark and faded out slowly and the X-Men looked at each other, surprised that they'd actually won this episode without having to shoot an optic beam, control someone's mind with a little telekinesis thrown in, gut, slice, dice, break, bust and hurt anyone or reign lightning down.

"Domo! Spiral! Nocenti! Someone! Bring me my X-Babies while we wait for the devil girl!"

"But . . ." started Major Domo.

"Ooooo, and Little Longshot too!" squealed the now standing Minor Domo, having once again been reset by Major Domo.

"No Longshot! No! Never! Never! Ever! I don't want no stinkin' Longshot, not even a photo!" screeched Mojo.

"But his photo still sells so well, in fact all his merchandise has tremendous appeal to the audience."

"No!"

"Then only the second incarnation of the Uncanny team of X-Men might I suggest," suggested Major Domo.

"But no lil Wolvie! He always pokes holes in my hind quarters!"

"That's gotta hurt," Minor D murmured as she peered around and looked at her own hind quarters.

"No X-Babies then, O Unbearable Lightness of Being?"

"Don't try to make me forget about the X-Brats! It was my idea after all! I know who brings in top ratings, my fans are always clamoring for more of those munchkinnoids – some of the highest rated shows ever! Perfection I tell ya! Don't you touch that dial!" Mojo screamed from a TV set that had been left on in the X-Men's rec room.

"Repeat city here we come," muttered Major Domo.

"Aaarrggghhh!" Scott screamed as he let loose his optic beam and blasted the television set.

"Wow," Jean said. "Maybe a little overkill for something that was kind of fun! I kind of enjoyed starring on his Wildways."

"You got a little carried away yourself, Jean," Ororo asserted.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that, hon."

"An' ya didn't get ta strip," Logan reminded her.

"Oh. Right."

"Ow," Logan said when Ororo hit him.

"I wasn't gonna watch _her_ , just _you_ , babe-a-licious!" Logan said with a laugh.

"Do not call me that!" Ororo replied.

"How do we keep getting caught up in Mojo World?" Scott asked. "And Arcade's crazy world and that Purple Man and Mesmero and . . ."

"Don't even say Mastermind or anyone else involved with the Hellfire Club," Jean threatened with a dark look. "But at least you didn't have a lisp this time. You were adorable but you had a lisp as a X-Baby, Scott."

"I'm ignoring that! Someone please tell me why we didn't just kill Mojo?" Scott said.

"Because you're too good to do that, honey. But let me tell you something, Scott Summers, next time you think about Betsy or Ororo or Emma or any other woman but me you just remember you're married to a telepath – a flaming _telepath_ , do you hear me!? – that can destroy worlds!" Jean said then walked out of the room.

"Don't listen to anything he has to say to you, Ororo! You're too good for him!" Scott cried before he went after his wife.

"What a douche," Logan noted.

"That certainly is no way to speak of yourself," Ororo commented.

"Ha ha. Look, Ro, don't be angry. Ya don't really think I'm stuck on Jeannie – do ya?"

"I . . . I sometimes wonder. You really seemed to want to see her on that pole."

"The hell? I was just messin' with her. But I'd love ta see you on a pole, just you strippin' fer me."

"Never going to happen."

"Even if we'd gotten married?"

"Do not tease me. That is not funny in the least."

"Well, we had fun." He put an arm around her. "It was a good excuse to punch One Eye."

"You are simply awful!" she said, shrugging out of his embrace.

"What about you an' Jeannie? You hit her."

"She took it too far. I was not going to put up with that. I mean, really I had little control over what I was doing!"

"The whole thing hit a sore spot, eh?"

Ororo pressed her lips together. She didn't want to admit it but it had.

"Maybe the joke's on us, darlin'."

"How so?"

"Well, we've been pussyfootin' around all these years, actin' like we don't want each other. Maybe it's time we did something about it."

"I . . . would like that, Logan."

"You'd like it if we got married too, huh?"

"I was under Mojo's spell, Logan! Do not get your hopes up," Ororo replied with a smirk.

"Oh, I like gettin' my hopes up, darlin, especially when it involves you an' me. An' if you were the woman I know ya ta be you'd admit ya wanted ta get married so why don't ya go ahead an' admit it, darlin'?"

"No!"

"Yeah ya did."

"No."

"Come on, darlin' ya know ya did."

Ororo was silent, lips firmly pressed together.

"What's ta say I don't like the idea too, eh? Ya ever think about that?" Logan said.

"Really?"

"Maybe."

"Hmm."

"So, ya gonna admit it?"

"Maybe."

He chuckled.

"Okay, Logan most women want to get married one day. Perhaps that is simply how we all are programmed."

"But we ain't even gone on a date yet, Ro!"

"I realize that."

"But you'da married me anyway?"

"Oh, Logan there is something about you, something about your dominant nature that does me in."

"Huh?"

"I don't know what else to call it. You know, at first I didn't like you. I tried to like you but you were so arrogant! The way you treated Scott and how you talked to Charles, it was just too much. But over the years I started to see why Jean was so attracted to you. You're the manliest man I've ever met. And . . ."

"Ya fell fer me."

"I fell for Forge."

"Huh?"

"But only because I knew your heart was with another."

"Darlin', I'm gonna tell you something I never thought I'd admit; I fell for you from the start, only, well it was easier to mess with Jeannie ta bug Summer's than tryin' anything with _you_. But then I met someone who I never would've thought could love me, the mess that I was back then . . ."

Ororo smiled. "Mariko," she said.

He nodded and she could see he was choked up over the memories of the beautiful lady he'd been engaged to. She slipped her arms around him and held onto him. She had liked Mariko and Japan had changed her, possibly as much as it had once changed him. She owed Mariko that and more. Because of Mariko Logan had seen that he could be better. The cliché is old but not only had she made him want to be a better man she _had_ made him a better man.

"There is something about you," Ororo whispered as she rested her head on his shoulder. "You are such a contradiction. I think you make a women feel like more of a woman and yet that is not how I feel altogether. We are . . . we are . . ."

"We're like yin and yang an' fire and water, darlin'. When I rage you put the fire out, only with my healin' factor the fire's always smoldering so ya kinda keep the fire banked. Ya keep me sane I guess, better 'n any woman I've ever known. We complement each other, darlin'."

"I like that. Yes, indeed we do."

"So, let's just start goin' out first an' then see where it goes. I . . . ain't sayin' we won't get married one day but let's do this right. Back when we were up against Horde an' you kissed me, well I wasn't ready ta take it any further cause of . . . well, you know. An' then later when I'd kiss _you_ you never took the hint."

She laughed. "I know how much you loved her, how deeply hurt you were, but I always thought you were just playing around with me."

"Maybe I was but that's all in the past, best forgotten. I got a strong love for you in the here an' now, Ro. You're a class act, just like M'iko was. The thing is with you I ain't gotta feel I can't live up to your standards, that I ain't good enough. I know M'iko never acted like that but I always felt that way with her. You, me, we work, we're good together."

"That is probably the nicest compliment I have ever had! Thank you, Logan."

"I oughta be thankin' you, Ro fer givin' me a shot."

"Ah! Your rough exterior belies the fact that you are the sweetest man."

"Just don't tell anyone."

"Your secret will always be safe with me."

"Now ain't that the truth! That's one reason I'm crazy about ya, darlin'."

"Smart man," she said, smiling and she put her arms over his shoulders then gently kissed him.

"Hmm, Smart girl," he murmured as he pulled her closer.

And as Mojo's mojo worked on the new couple, the smoking television sputtered out these final words, "Bedee-Bedee-Bedee – th-that's all folks! But I'll be back!"

And you may count on that my faithful reader. I'll be back with more RoLo, the good the bad, and the silly.

 **~Finis~**

 **A/N** – Hmm, I obviously wrote this when I was just a young thing. Actually 2008! I totally forgot about it but found it a month ago. I can't even remember a stripper pole on that show now! It's amazing the things I write and then just forget or don't follow through with. I almost wish everyone could just access my documents and help themselves. Anyway, I discovered this and it made me chuckle and I thought, gotta share even if it is silly. Well, I tweaked it a bit, added **_bleep!_** 's because realistically Logan's rated R, and voilà! Hope this might've made ya smile! :D Curious if anyone remembers Horde and what issue that was in. For some reason it's always been one of my favorites. And of course that kiss! Nuff said! ; D


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